Before I ever dreamed
of not pleasing my father
(and this was before his hair turned
gray, although he tells it otherwise)
I filled hours imagining
the ways I was better, superior
to my sisters, mother, all others
who could not dream the way I dreamed
of being Daddy’s favorite

–the golden child
The Unmarred,
The Worthy.

I am none of those
kinds of child
I am no longer child,
golden, unmarred or otherwise.
I have, with great reluctance, accepted
my position of adult, mother,
Woman.

My dreams now revolve around my children
giving to them better than what I was handed,
and, yes, I still dream of pleasing
Myself.

I am told of a goddess.
I see her in a long, white dress.
The sun has gently toasted her skin.
She glows golden.
She is perfection.

She is me.

If I accept her, I cannot please
my father
He has taught me caution because women,
-especially strong and beautiful women-
cannot be trusted;
They embody evil, lust, temptation.
They reveal shoulders and knees and bosoms.
They are appealing to men.
If I accept her, I reject him.

I disagree.
I love my father.
I see the vice of unspoken history
binding him
He is Trauma’s whipping boy
by choice, by choice
And I could choose the same
but for me and mine and my goddess
I check another box.

When I pass this sadness of loss–
because my father will surely withdraw–
I will find a happiness larger than any expanse
of green grass and hollyhocks and the shimmering
water of an ocean, the whispering
leaves of a thousand trees I will embrace
my inner self and rise to the heaven
I was taught would be denied me
on the basis of “she” meaning “devil”.
Even he knows he was so wrong.

 

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0 Discussion to this post

  1. fyrdraca says:

    Beautiful-someday, when they are ready, I will allow my own lovelies to read this, and hopefully it will give them solace.

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